SHIELDING KIDS
FROM DIVORCE
Parents can play a key role in
keeping kids out of the middle
By COURTNEY DRAKE-MCDONOUGH
When Maggie Lawson’s husband walked
out after 14 years of marriage and two
children, she was stunned and, at first,
couldn’t come to grips with her new reality.
“I kept hoping it was all just a bad dream and that I’d wake up
and we’d go on as before,” says Lawson. “Because of this, I
didn’t have the capacity to understand how deeply the split
affected the kids.”
Divorce can be devastating for any couple, but it can be even
worse for the children, not just during the divorce but throughout
their lives. The ramifications run the gamut and may include
behavioral problems, emotional trauma, promiscuity, drug and alcohol abuse and difficulty bonding with others. For guidance
on how to minimize the pain of divorce on children, we consulted
with experts who deal with families and divorce.
“Kids are not as resilient as we think,” says Tom Meehan,
MSWLCSW, a child and family investigator (CFI). “It is unrealistic
to think that parents can protect kids from the fracture
of the arrangement that has been their family. The world they
have known has been dismantled.” Divorce attorney Kim
Willoughby, of Willoughby & Eckelberry, LLC, adds, “Every
parent thinks they are acting in the best interest of the kids,
but really what they are often saying (without being truly cognizant
of it) is that they are doing what’s best for themselves,
believing the kids will benefit from that. The hardest thing on
children is their parents being consumed by the divorce and
not being the best parents they can be.”
“Anyone who says that kids adapt easily to divorce is overly
optimistic,” says Lawson, whose son and daughter were 8 and
11 when their father left. “I see lasting and probably permanent
changes in both children as a result of this experience.” Both of
her children, now 19 and 22, handled the situation in their own
unique way, but Lawson views the adaptations they made as
both positive and negative. They have developed good organizational
skills from living out of two households, but her son
alternates between being angry at his father, then at his mother. “Our daughter has built deep and meaningful relationships
with friends, but distances herself from family members,”
Lawson says. She worries about both children’s abilities to commit
to a marriage in the future, but hopes that her remarriage
three years ago has been a positive model.
Karen Brown’s boys were just 1 and 3 when she and her
husband separated for two years and later divorced. Brown
didn’t say much to her children about the divorce, thinking it
wouldn’t feel much different from the separation. “That was
naive on my part,” says Brown. “Much of the divorce was a
nightmare, and it wreaked havoc on the boys, especially the
older one. But I couldn't have seen that ahead of time, so I
didn't prepare the kids for it.” Often after a weekend with
their father, the boys, now 7 and 9, return home angry at their
mother. “There have been numerous times when one child or
the other has opened his mouth, and his father's angry words
have poured out,” says Brown. She counts on a couple of
days of boundary-pushing when the boys return to her home,
readjusting to rules that are quite different from their father’s.
Brown has also noticed that her older son gets sick for a few
days after experiencing a lot of tension between his parents,
while her younger son acts up in school.
Much of the pain and conflict can be avoided by getting
counseling before, during and after the divorce. “The earlier
the better,” says Carol Lay, Ed.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. “Parents often seek advice about the timing of the separation,
what to tell their children and when,” says Dr. Lay. “At different stages of life, there is a need to rework the loss
of the nuclear family all over again, so maintaining a relationship
with a therapist over the years is very helpful.”
When a divorce takes place, the complexity of the procedure
is determined by the level of conflict between the couple determining
what happens to their finances and children. The term “custody” has been replaced in the court system by “parenting time,” which determines who sees the
kids and when, and “decision making,”
which determines decisions about school,
religion and medical issues. Ideally, if parents
come to an arrangement for both
parenting time and decision making, a trip
to court is unnecessary. However, when
an agreement can’t be reached, because
of tremendous disagreement or a question
of mental health, the couple appears
before a judge. “Litigation is not the
appropriate forum for figuring out what to
do with the kids or what to do with husbands
and wives,” states Willoughby. “It’s antithetical to what we should be
doing as formerly married people.”
Instead, she recommends using collaborative
law, which incorporates experts in
mental health and finance to address and
cut through the emotional aspects of the
divorce so that the answers rise to the
surface, avoiding the courtroom.
In certain severe situations, the
judge and attorneys may agree that a
CFI be appointed. As an investigator on
behalf of the court, the CFI meets with
each parent, the children, teachers, sitters,
therapists and neighbors to report
to the court and make recommendations.
Like Meehan, Gay Niermann, an
attorney and child advocate, tries to
help parents reach some resolution or
agreement. “In addition to the investigation,
a CFI can identify problem areas,
such as communication, and make suggestions
on better ways to communicate
and reach agreements,” says
Niermann. CFIs also suggest additional
professional help, such as a therapist, a
parenting coach or joint counseling.
There are several things parents can
do to protect their children from as much
misery as possible before, during and
after divorce. First and foremost, focus
on their needs. Second, keep them out of
adult disputes. Third, maintain structure
and stability in terms of values, rules and
activities between both households.
Seek support from professionals for yourself
and your kids. Treat your ex like a
business colleague to help keep things
cooler for yourself and your children. For
more detailed suggestions, see the
accompanying sidebar.
In the course of dealing with something
as painful as the end of a marriage,
it is draining to maintain a somewhat
normal life and give your children
what they need. Yet as difficult as it is to
do the work required, the result is that
you become a better parent and person,
and your child grows up as well-adjusted
as possible.
TIPS FOR KEEPING KIDS OUT OF
THE NASTINESS OF DIVORCE
• Make sure your children feel the love from both of you
as well as from extended family and friends. The more love
and support they feel, the better.
• Nurture yourself as a person separate from your children.
It’s a gift to yourself and your children, as well as a good
example to them.
• Keep the structure of life as similar to the time before the
divorce as possible, and also between both households for
continuity and stability.
• Assure your children that divorce occurs because of
problems between the parents and that they did not cause
the divorce, nor can they mend the marriage.
• Don’t bad-mouth your ex, no matter how hard it is. By doing
so, you set a bad example and insult someone your child loves.
• Be open and honest with your children about the
divorce in an age-appropriate way without giving too many
disturbing details.
• Never use your children as liaisons between you and
your ex. It is not their role and only causes them distress.
• Seek help when you or your children need it. There are
many therapists who specialize in family issues as well as
support groups for parents and children.
• Introduce a new love interest into the lives of your children
slowly but honestly — for example, Bob is not their “uncle,” he’s your boyfriend.
• Set a positive example for your children regarding how
you cope with your own feelings and dealings with your ex.
The way you handle the divorce in front of your children can
make a huge difference in their perception of themselves,
their parents and their own futures.
